


i feel so alone on a friday night

by el7777



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cancer!Fic, Depression, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, M/M, Sad Harry, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 00:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/591514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/el7777/pseuds/el7777
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"you still feel like he would walk in any moment, tesco bags in hand and lips all exagerratedly puckered, waiting for you to place a light welcome back kiss on them."</p>
            </blockquote>





	i feel so alone on a friday night

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first piece written on here, i hope it isn't too horrible :)) much love, ella.

when zayn called you to tell you the news, you dropped your mobile and the glass of the screen shattered. at first you didn’t believe it. you have to see this with your own eyes, this - this can't be true because he was so young and so full of life and how could he cram a whole lifetime into twenty one years? you don't cry, not immediately, but your breathing is ragged and your bare feet are cut under the broken glass. then your knees give out. that's when the sobbing starts. its sort of soft at first, timid because you can't believe this is happening, and then realisation hits and your tears are streaming uncontrollably, your breathing gets caught in your throat and you choke - i must look like a mess right now, you think bitterly. zayn'd probably be shouting your name right now into his phone ("harry? harry! harry, harry are you there mate?") but the only sound filling your being right now is your broken sobs and blood rushing through your ears. 

your hearts beating as you being to calm down. your cheeks are tearstained and your eyes must be red and bloodshot and you wonder what louis will think when he comes back from the grocers.

you stop dead in your tracks. louis. and then the tears start all over again. 

\+ 

_"i am off, sweetums try not to miss me too much," louis says and gently places a light kiss on your lips and you smile against the crook of his neck._

_"alright, see you babe. i love you,"_

_louis' eyes crinkle into a smile and he whispers i love you too and you can't help but notice the sad undertone to it. and then he leaves._

you're curled up into his bed and you're replaying memories, from the nastiest fights to the sweet and raw moments. and this one was the last. the last goodbye, the last i love you. the last kiss. the tears start all over again.

two hours before, the doctor called you. it took you everything to not begin sobbing as he told you all the details about his death. for a second you feel angry. he had fucking leukemia and didn't tell anyone. he passed out while driving to tesco, fucking tesco and his car swerves out of control and he hits a tree, and dies right there. and its quick and unexpected and out of the blue and you wonder if louis had time to process the fact that he was dying. 

+

the days leading up to his funeral seem to drag on forever. the boys visit you but you won't let them enter your room, or talk to you. or give you food. or comfort you... so they sit in your living room and watch telly like nothing ever happened. but you're in louis' room. you're wearing every article of clothing he owned, huddled in his bedsheets and though its not even cold outside you feel as if you're freezing. this fabric still smells lightly of him. that sickly sweet mixture of citrus and vodka that you knew he loved. 

it’s strange, you'd think you'd accept the fact that he's gone by now, but you still feel like he would walk in any moment, tesco bags in hand and lips all exagerratedly puckered, waiting for you to place a light welcome back kiss on them. 

but you can't accept that he's gone because he can't be gone. louis wouldn't do that to you. he loved you, so why did he leave? 

the news had hit twitter, obviously, and when you got the energy to look at them, you’ll just lose it all again in a matter of seconds. the myriad of tweets spanned from hope it’s okay x to one direction will never be the same, and you knew it wouldn’t. one tweet stood out to you the most. it was raw and simple and honest, _@harry_styles is one direction going to break up? x_ and your eyes filled with tears because you know the end is inevitable now. you respsond, _i don’t know, love_ and curl back into louis’ bed.

his side of the bed was made properly, all creased in and clean sheets, because you’re expecting him to come back any moment now, tell you it was just a joke (you know how louis loved to play jokes) and that he’s back now. _hush, hush love, stop your crying, i’m here now._

you don’t eat anymore. why would you? you don’t leave louis’ room. the boys, they try to make you eat, knocking on your door desperately shouting, “harry! harry, haz c’mon, you’ve got to eat something,” but you prove them wrong. but one night, your stomach’s growing too loud and it’s blocking out thoughts of louis, so you sneak into the kitchen and grab a pear. the floor’s cold under your feet and you wish you had louis’ arms around you now. you sit on a stool and carefully slice the pear, eating the slices timidly. 

but it’s only at the last slice you realise it’s making you sick.

you dash to the sink and vomit the acid and pear. your breathing is heavy and your throat burns, but it feels halfway decent. you grab a piece of bread and shove it into your mouth now, and it’s only seconds later when you’re throwing that up too. you wipe your mouth and grin, the first grin in ages. you feel sickeningly proud of yourself and you go back to louis' room - your room now - and curl into a ball and fall asleep. 

this was just the beginning.

+

louis tomlinson's funeral was weird. it was quiet and everyone's crying. you're dressed in a suit and you're stoic. liam puts his arm around you but you shake it off. this makes it official. he's dead and gone and he's not coming back, tesco bags in hand and a cheesy smile of his face. no. he's gone gone gone.

fans find their way to the funeral. they don't go in, thank god for that, but they stand outside crying and they're all hitched breaths and red eyes for someone they didn't even know. a few grab at you when he walks out, crying and shouting larry lives forever but that only makes you feel worse. 

when you get home, the boys insist on staying even though you tell them in an unused voice that you want to be alone. they let you lock yourself in your room but stay in the living room. you hear them chatter and you shake off the tears beginning to flow. 

"this is so hard on him, liam, what can we do?"

"i, i'm lost on this one. he and louis were, they were dating, but.." liam trails off into light sobs and you don't even mind that liam just shared your biggest secret.

your fingers twitch. well, second biggest.

you can picture zayn walking to liam now, rubbing his back in soothing circles and kissing the top of his head gently because liam's not one to cry. that, and because zayn's in love with liam. he told you that in a rushed whisper in the back of the van after a show. you and louis are cuddling in the back and he says it quietly, "one day me and liam are gonna be like that, yeah?"

louis smirks, "in love with liam, eh?"

"yes."

your sobs start at the thought of louis. but, in your memory his voice sounded distorted, wrong. too deep or not scratchy enough and just wrong. your breath quickens, and you realise you've forgotten what he sounds like. 

you wait another hour for the boys to leave and they finally do, you rush out of the room and eat everything you can find in your fridge, stuffing bread and fruits and cheese-its into your mouth and then before you have time to process it, you stick two fingers down your throat and vomit in back up into the sink. 

you go into the bathroom to take a quick shower and you let the scorching water pour over you as you replay moments you've had with louis here.

bubble baths. washing each other after playing football. shower sex. cuddling in hot water that became murky and lukewarm by the time you two got out.

you begin to cry, which is now a common occurrence. stepping out, you wipe a circle into the foggy window and look at yourself. you're all dark circles, red tearstained cheeks, your lips are so red its almost purple, and pale snow white skin. 

you're a mess and you know it. 

\+ 

your skin is so light now, translucent, and your veins are blue and purple and bright contrasting the almost invisible colour of your skin. there's rings of purple around your eyes and your now even louis' jumpers are much too big for you. 

your lanky body sports an obvious ribcage, you can count all the bones. you wonder if your ribcage serves any purpose once you've lost your heart. your thighs are thin now, so thin there's a large gap between the two. your hips jut out, your shoulders sag and the only thing you don't throw back up is your morning coffee that helps out get through the day, and even that sometimes is too much.

you're eating much more food. but you know its horrible. you order mcdonalds for dinner three or four times a week, which makes you rush to the sink faster than any other food, and you like that. you eat plain bread a lot, not even taking the time to toast it and you just shove it down your mouth and it hits the back of your throat.

alcohol finds its way into your diet too. at first its just the liquor you have at home. the bittersweet vodka bottles left in the cabinet soon disappear though, so it becomes the only reason to go outside. there's a liquor store two blocks down, but it isn't a problem since you're unrecognizable now. your hair washes over your eyes, your lips are red, almost too red to be considered normal. you walk in a frenzy. you buy the liquor bottle by bottle.

the boys don't visit much, they don't want to. they don't want to see you progressively get worse and worse, which is what's happening. you wonder if louis is watching you get worse and worse and you wonder why he's not trying to make it stop. maybe he just likes it this way.

\+ 

one day it become too much. the only thing you're consuming is vodka and alcohol and coffee, the rest finds its way back up. you have a permanent headache and your bones seem too big for your body. you wonder if this is what you were meant to be from the beginning. xfactor, your career, one direction and living your life to the fullest was just a waste because you're going to end up empty anyways, born to die.

one day it becomes too much, and you pass out, fading into blackness that overwhelms even you. this time you know there's no going back, you're donefor. 

your eyes open and your vision is blurry and there's a mess of people and its anne and she's sobbing saying, "why baby why would you do this i love you," and there's niall and liam and zayn (you quickly note that they're holding hands, liam and zayn) and then you see louis. he's ghostly and sad, he's crying but he's there. the nurse tells visitors to leave for a minute, but louis is still there. he's always been there.


End file.
